I Don't Want To Love Like That
by To Being An Us For Once
Summary: Eventual MarkRoger. DuringPost Rent. All Roger's Point of View. My first Mark and Roger fic. after forever of admiring.
1. Speak

So…. Guess what? After months of admiring Mark/Roger, here is mine. And Chapters, no less. And I promise each chapter (except the first)to be at least more then 500 words, it will be a challenge, but easier now that school has started and I have no friends in any classes. Any who, here we go.

**It's all for Johnathan Larson. **

**December 24th 9:02 PM EST**

"_I say c'est la vie.  
So let her be a lesbian...  
There are other fishies in the sea  
... Love Mom!"_

I see Mark's eyes wide at the last lines. How she can be so blunt? I've been trying to say the same thing for a month now. Mark shouldn't waste his time moping about Maureen. Sighing about Maureen. Talking about Maureen. Yelling about Maureen. Crying about Maureen.

How she did it to him, I'll never be able to comprehend. I would kill to have a moment of the relationship that she had with him. This I'd never thought could happen. He was just my roommate for a while. Then my best friend. After April he was my rock. During the withdrawl he was my constant. Now…he's my lust, my love.

But to him, I'm only his friend.

Alright, short chapter, but I promise more will come tonight. If it kills me. 


	2. She Said Would You Light My Candle

**Dedicated to dominic's girl. The only one whom left a review. I'm watching all of you. Review please? They'll make my day. And they encourage more updates. **

**December 24th 10:00 pm EST**

"They call me, they call me- Mimi." She said, and with that she left, her dark waving behind her and heeled boot's clacking, echoing through the loft.

I stand still, confused out of my mind. What just happened here? What were her motives with this?

Who cares, it's not going anywhere. She's a junkie, after all I did- _Mark_ did- to keep clean I'm not giving it up for her. I'm not giving Mark up for her. But who said she was even trying anything with me? Who said Mark was even going to try anything with me?

God, I'm just confusing myself now. I sit down with my guitar and wait for Mark to come home with Collins, plucking absent-mindedly. My mind is occupied on Mark, only Mark. It's been that way since withdrawl, how could it not? I sigh and focus on those far away nights, when Mark would hold me to keep me from trembling. He would tell me everything was fine, while stroking my hair. Tears would roll down my cheeks, and he tenderly wiped them away even when there were tears falling from his own.

I thought then that maybe this could be something. All we had been through, connected us as more than just what we were. But then came Maureen. She cheated, he knew, I knew. She loved him, he knew, I knew. She had more control over him than anyone could use. I knew. She knew. Mark was clueless to this. He still is, and still will do anything for her.

It kills me when she kisses him after he's done something good for her, then she prances away like what she did was nothing. He blushes looks hopeful it would happen again.

My thoughts interrupt as the metal door to the loft slides open revealing Mark alone.

"No Collins?" I ask

"Couldn't find him." He says taking off his jacket but leaving the scarf. His scarf dangles down in front of his chest as he sits down the table next to me.

"I'm sure he'll turn up." I say hopefully looking down at my guitar, trying to keep my eyes of him. My thoughts off him. It's seems like the hardest thing ever though

"Yea." He says with a fragile smile, directing my attention to him again. He looks perfect, cheeks slightly pink from the cold; it's beautiful in every way. It takes all I have to keep from pulling the end of his scarf and bring his lips to mine. I bite my lip to stop the thought.

"I met the girl, from downstairs…" I say, saying anything to get my mind of him. " She came up, needed a match or something."

"Oh. Well…that's good. Was she…nice?" He asked

" She seemed like it…I don't know. She's a junkie though…" I said, tearing myself away from his deep blue eyes and bringing them to my guitar.

'Oh. Wow. She looked so young though."

"Nineteen. She works at that trashy club. The Cat Claw…or something. I don't know."

"Wow." He repeated.

"Yea…" I said unsure of what else to say. I look up at him again, we catch each other's eyes for a moment. I slowly lean in to him, what felt wrong moments ago seems natural now. Mere inches away from his face, he turns his head to the door sliding open to reveal Collins with his arms full with a pickle tub.

I hop off the table and stand back as Mark greets Collins.

Five Seconds. Five more seconds, and it would've happened.

Maybe Collin's arrival was for the best.


	3. The Heart May Freeze

**All right, yes, I am fully aware of my many mistakes in my past chapter. I am so sorry. I feel like an idiot. **

**Any who, Oh, it's all Johnathan Larson's with the title from Aida.**

**December 24th 10:42 pm EST **

Mark left again. For Maureen, Maureen's dumb protest. He'll never get over her. He'll never see how awful she is to him. She'll never accept losing him as a worker for her. He deserves better. But, what makes me so much better? I'd probably fuck it up somehow anyways.

But it doesn't stop me from wanting him even more.

Maybe once he meets Joanne he'll realize it's over with them. Mark will come to his senses. He'll let go of Maureen. He'll realize I've been waiting for him to notice me, me as more then just his washed up, loser, former junkie roommate. More than just a friend.

Yea, that's likely.

I pick up my guitar and pluck a few strings trying to remember the old melody I always had had memorized. Plucking a few strings I had found the tune from many years ago.

Still strumming on the untuned instrument there was a light tap on the window. Mimi. Damn it. She opened the latch from the fire escape with ease and climbed in the loft.

**December 24th 11:07 pm EST **

"Mark? You still going to Maureen's protest?" I ask.

"'Course. You want to come?" he said tightening his scarf around hid neck.

"Yea, I was thinking about it." I pause for awhile thinking if this is what I really wanted to do. Mark seems delighted I want to leave, but know I don't think I can. I was going to find Mimi, apologize. Kicking her out like that was pretty awful of me. Maybe invite her to come along. Nothing more though. I couldn't be with her, and think of mark at the same time. It would kill me knowing she wasn't the one. "I was thinking about finding the girl from downstairs. Seeing if she wanted to come too…"

"Great. Common, we should get going." He said and handed me my jacket.

"Yea, alright." I say and reluctantly pull on my jacket and exit the loft door.

**December 24th 11:15 pm EST**

"She said, "Would you light my candle?" And she put on a pout. And she wanted you. To take her out tonight?" He asked, walking down Avenue A.

"Right." I sighed.

"She got you out!"

" She was more than ok, but I just couldn't then. I just got mad, so I made her leave." I explained.

"I thought you said she was kind of nice?" I questioned.

"Ugh, let's just forget and go to the show." I scanned the street once more. My attention was brought to a bunch of junkies huddled around a dealer. I sigh. "There,' I point to the cloud of druggies. "The one in the leopard coat."

" Whoa! You turned _her_ down?" He looked at me incredulously. I shrugged. I can still tell him. Forgot this stupid Mimi thing for now. Before she spots me. It's not the perfect the time, it's not even a good time. But it good enough for me.

"Mark, can we-" I started.

"Go over she's done." He said, and pushed me toward her direction.

I looked over shoulder and saw Mark giving me an encouraging smile. Damn it, if I didn't love him I'd kill him right now. When I turned around Mimi was right in front of me. "Uh, hey."

"Hey." She said quickly.

"Look, I'm really sorry about the way-"

"Just forget it." She said hastily.

"Well, could I make it up to you… or something?"

"How?"

"Dinner, after this protest thing."

"Sure." She said, and smiled shyly.

"Here come meet my friend mark, he'll be there tonight as well." I said leading her over to where Mark had watching us on the sidewalk.

"Mark, this is Mimi, she'll be joining us tonight." They exchanged greetings and shook hands.

" Common, let's go to the lot, where Maureen's performing." Mark said and we continued down the street to the lot.

"So… who's Maureen?"

" My Ex. But, I'm over her." Mark said and blushed. Yea, you're over her. You only think about her every other second. God, what am I doing with this? I thought I wasn't going to do anything Mimi, and here I am her hand 'accidentally' brushing with mine every other second. She finally tried to grab it. I pulled immediately away. Mark gave me a wide-eyed look.

"Please, not yet." I say. I can't do it in front of mark. Knowing I want to rip my hand from her grip more than anything.

Her eyes fluttered a little. "Is that a warning?" She asked in a bubbly way. I looked the other way and rolled my eyes. I looked at mark walking slightly in front of us alone. I would give anything to run up with him and hold his hand.

I looked at Mimi, she was a sweet girl. But, she wasn't Mark. She'll never be like him, or as important as him. Though, maybe if mark and I weren't meant to be, I'll have to settle with her.

I look at Mark one more time. I should tell you…


	4. Leap Of Faith

"Last night, I had a dream…" Maureen said from the stage. I tried to pay attention. Desperately, I did. But with Mark to my left and Mimi to my right, I couldn't think let alone listen and comprehend Maureen's metaphors. I looked to Mark, fondling his camera carefully, it was adorable his attachment to it. I loved to watch him work it, it amazed me how much patience he had with it. With my guitar I give up so easy. But he stays so loyal.

I didn't realize I was staring at him, until a small, dark hand grabbing mine shook me out of my daze. I looked away at Mimi and saw her grinning at me slightly. Pulling my hand away gently I turned towards the stage.

"Leap of Faith, Leap of Faith…" Cooed her backup singers. My attention went to Mimi, to see how she took my rejection. She was no longer looking at Maureen or Me, but _Benny_! She was carefully gazing at him, chewing her lip nervously. Why was she staring at _Benny_ like _that?_ Oh well. It's not like I can say my attention wasn't on someone unexpected.

I turn back to Mark, watching him reel a lever back and forth, observing carefully as he twisted and pulled knobs. Everything little thing he did, amazed me some how. Put me in a trance no other could lure me into. I hate it, it makes me fall in love with him again every time I enter such a state.

"Moo with Me!" Maureen yelled in request to the crowd. People mooed throughout the crowd until an unruly cop started moving for someone in the front row. As soon as I knew it the crowd was in absolute chaos.

Mimi grabbed my hand and tried to pull us out of this endless mob of shouting and fighting supporters. I instantly turn to see where Mark had gotten to. No sight of his spiky blonde hair in the crowd. I want to rip my hand away from her grip, but at this point were almost out of the cloud of angry fellow protesters.

"Let's go find everyone else." She shouts over the crowd. I nod in a quick response. Mimi scans the crowd for Angel and Collins, as I desperately gaze for Mark. No sign of him again.

"Mimi-chica!" An exasperated Angel says wrapping her arms around Mimi's shoulders.

"Hey, man, it's rough up in here, we should head up to the Life." Collins says draping an arm around Angel.

"But…what about Mark? We can't just let him be trampled out here." I reasoned, desperate to find him again.

"I'm sure he'll find us, sweetie, but we'll all catch death if we stand out in this cold any longer." Angel said resting a hand on my shoulder and smiled warmly.

"I- Well, all right." I say reluctantly.

"All right, then. Now let's get out of here before another cop has to feel the wrath of these boots." Angel said with a small giggle before turning away from me and snuggling up to Collins. Mimi stepped closer and took my hand once again. This time I didn't resist, what's the pointing fighting it anyways. _Mark._ Mark is worth it. Worth every second of my life. Worth every one of my breaths. Worth anything in my possession. Worth all the love I could muster.

I look over Mimi, she's pretty. Really, she is. If she could just loose the part the screamed stripper. She's no Mark. But, mark was never to be. No matter how hard I try to imagine it, Mimi will always be Mimi. And mark will be my simple distant best friend. What I hoped for and longed for, was a simple fantasy of sorts. And of course simple, uncontainable love.


	5. Trusting Desire

"Mimi…" I muster before being pulled out into the frigid breeze of the alley. Mimi stood before me, staring expectantly. "I- look, Mimi, I should tell you," **I LOVE MARK.** "I'm a disaster, I'm not sure how to-"

"Let's just- skip it this part. It's hard for everyone." She says, taking my hand and begins leading me down the alleyway.

"I should tell you-" I begin.

"I should tell you." Will I ever tell this girl? I'm only trying to tell her easily, so she doesn't get hurt.

"I should tell you…" I try once more.

"I should tell, I blew the candle out, just to keep seeing you." She says, avoiding my eyes. Well, I'm not blind, Mimi, you didn't do a great job of a sleuth back in the loft.

"I should tell you, it's been so long since I smiled, until your candle burnt my skin-" I'm cut off again.

"I should tell you…" She starts, where is it going this time?

"I should tell you…" **I love Mark!**

"Here this goes again…" She says quietly, then pulls me to look at her.

"Now, we-" really shouldn't.

"Oh no." What?

"Here this goes," **I can't be with you, I love _Mark._ **

"Here goes…?" She persists.

"I guess, this is starting to…" make sense. I take her a deep breath. Looking at how desperate Mimi was, it was hard to say no to her. She looked like she yearned for someone, me. "Who knows."

"Who knows?" She repeats. I have to tell her. Before this goes any further. Or, I could not, and simply give up this Mark fantasy. But, oh God, it's so much more than a fantasy. It's a desire. It's a need. But, Mimi's here. She wants me. Why not pursue this? One thought sticks in my mind.

**Mark. **

But, it'll never happen. With the time I have left, why waste it waiting for him, or, dreaming of him.

_Because you love him. _

But he loves…Maureen and girls. And his camera. Not his worthless ex-junkie roommate. Biting my lip, I contemplate my options.

With on swift move, I lean down and kiss her softly.

This isn't right.

This isn't Mark.

And it never will be…

We walk hand-in-hand slowly back inside after the kiss. She's grinning uncontrollably, and I'm trying to keep control instead of openly weeping.

I look back to Mark. His camera slowly scanning the café. It stops and Mimi and I just as she pulls me into another kiss.

"Oblivious, Mimi and Roger share a small, lovely kiss." Mark says to the camera.

I haven't forgot about you Mark, you just haven't begun to think about me.


	6. Depends On Not Denying Emotion

A week. One long week.

Now that Mimi's in my life it's so much more… stressful? Time consuming? But, who am I to complain? Before Christmas I hadn't left the house for months. I hadn't done anything for months.

It's not been bad with Mimi, just different. I always imagined myself with Mark, now that that dream has left it's just so… depressing, that after all that, it's her now. No Mark.

"I'm giving up my vices, for New Years, ya know? I'm gonna go back to school!" Mimi suddenly announces proudly, while I try to pry our door open. "Now that I have you, I know, for once, it'll be a happy new year." She says a slight blush appearing on her cheeks.

I smile in spite of myself. Normally I would roll my eyes to such a comment, but when she said this, it was sincere. With an obvious trace of need in her voice. Before I can reply, Mark walks back over to us after securing the perimeter.

"The coast is clear, as soon the rest get here we can do it. If they'll ever get here." Marl says restlessly.

Mark is so cute when he gets flustered. His cheeks get an adorable crimson hue, and his voice raises slightly. My thoughts are quickly over when Maureen enters, wearing an incredibly tight… whatever it is.

I look to Mark, ugh, he's all over Maureen with his camera. Scanning it up and down her body. Seeing him so caught in Maureen made he more than jealous and hurt. My Mark.

He's meant to be mine.

I need him to be mine.

He's… Maureen's. Maureen's fucking 'pookie'

I guess we're both similar. Stuck in a fantasy that we both know we should lose, but refuse. If we give that up, we know hope's gone. Maybe we both just fear change in our lives. I gained Mimi, and he lost Maureen, I guess that's all we can handle.

I'm forced out of my thoughts again when Joanne enters. She rattles off some law facts about our apartment Eh. I don't care so much, that place is awful anyways. It's too full with memories I don't want to keep going back to. Mark and Joanne step up a plan to break into the apartment.

Aw. I love illegal scheming Mark too!

Enter Angel and Collins equipped with a blowtorch essential for the breaking in.

"Ironic close up, the phone machine's red light, once the Boho boys are gone, the power comes back on…"

I can't fucking believe Mimi. What she said earlier tonight, then this whole fucking Benny thing… If it weren't for Mark, Mimi and I would be over. What can I say, it's impossible to go against him and his deep blue eyes.

Back in the loft everyone goes about the New Year's Celebration. I lean against the watching them all. Angel walks over to me after only a matter of minutes. "Roger, what's wrong sweetie?" She asks putting her hand on the arm, smiling slightly.

"Nothing, just… Mimi, and Benny…" I trail off.

"Common out here, sugar" She says as she leads me out the door of the loft into the cold stairwell. "What's the real trouble, Roger?" She asks, sitting down of the top step and motioning for me to do the same. I slowly walk over and plop myself down beside Angel.

"It's just, Mimi, I don't tru- no, it's not that I don't-" Angel puts a finger to my lips.

"That's not what I mean, sugar. Something's bothering you. I can tell, sweetie." She said shaking her head.

"I, it's just- Mimi's…" I look away from Angel and down at the dull, grey asphalt below us. Here it goes, "Angel, it's Mark. No! It's not Mark, it's me. I love, I'm in love," My voice drops to a whisper and I now am aware of the tears rolling down from my eyes, "with Mark." I finish.

Angel softly puts an arm around me and pulls me into an embrace. "Oh, sweetie, you gotta tell him. Do it for yourself, honey." Angel reasons.

"No! Mark, Mark doesn't- Mark's not, Mark still loves…" Angel puts her finger to my lips to silence me once more.

"Rog, how do you know he doesn't feel the same way? He's not an aggressive one, you know. He's probably just waiting. And, honey, if you won't tell him, don't lead Meems on like this. She's my best friend. Don't do this to her, to yourself, to _Mark_." She concludes.

I smile through my tears. Angel's one of the single best people I've ever met. The second best, I decree. She's right. So fucking right. I just can't. No now. Not so soon.

She calms he down with 'sshhs' and squeezing my hand tight when my tears fall harder until I'm finally under control. "Common, honey, there all probably wondering where we've gotten to." She says, stands up, and offers me her hand to help me up. She pulls we up and we walk back into the loft as everything was normal.

* * *

**So, I hope Roger didn't seem weirdly OC in this chapter. But, yea.**

**I just got back from seeing Rent! It was amazing! That's why I felt so compelled to write three chapters of this. I'll try and get the next to typed and up before I have to leave for Florida on Thursday. So reviews and I'll be inspired! **


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